Allen 2.0

Some of you may be wondering what direction Allen’s life took after the inaugural Tales of a Dissatisfied Squid Salesman 
and the popular (well it was popular in Asia) Humourous Lessons in Business, Tales of a Dissatisfied Squid Salesman II

The direction was east. It could have been west, the world being a sphere and all, but the first plane out of town was going east.

David’s now estranged twin brother Allen had financed his trip through the sale of David’s car and was looking forward to a bright new future (as well as backward at not a few creditors). 
Unaware that Allen still had a set of his car keys; David wandered the parking lot before realizing that he really missed Allen and wanted to see him again. Preferably in a dark alley.

After a series of plane and train rides on borrowed tickets and documents, Allen arrived in Kathmandu, Nepal.

His first thoughts were, “They’ll never find me here”.
His second thoughts were, “Where the heck is here”?
His third thoughts were, “Seems like a good place for some meditation. Some reflection, introspection and any other ‘ection’”.

Having heard the villagers speak of a remote monastery, Allen determined that he should take up meditation in a local bar. Allen recalls, “A lot of time passed, much of which was, quite frankly, a blur, before I was awakened to the desire to get back into the world of commerce”.

The thing that awoke him was the squawking of the bar’s fax machine.
After buying a few more drinks and listening to the bartender explain how the fax worked, Allen decided to re-launch his career by selling facsimile machines to the masses. After all, who wouldn’t want badly pixilated pictures and text sent right to their own home?

Unfortunately the masses did not live in Nepal. 
Fortunately China with its masses was right next door.

After a month or so, riding in carts pulled by various animals, he arrived at The Bamboo Curtain.

Unfortunately it was closed.

Undaunted, but quite miffed, Allen returned to Kathmandu where he lingered a few weeks or maybe months until he left his bar stool and set his sights on India, a land teeming with masses and hardly any bamboo.

After a month or so, riding in carts pulled by various animals, he arrived in India.
Allen had seen a map of the world but up until recently had no idea what the scale on a map represented.

After another month or so, riding in carts pulled by various animals, he arrived in an area large enough to be considered to be teeming.

The trip had been long and fraught with perils and snakes but the people of the area were a friendly lot and he was soon having a drink with someone who was willing to share his whiskey. Someone’s whiskey.

That someone had left a truck full of the stuff with the keys in the ignition and his new friend had decided to move the truck to a safer, not overlooked location. 

They were well into the bottle, all the time looking over their shoulders for any sign of the owner of the truck so they could flag him down.
They should have been looking in the vicinity of their ankles as suddenly karma (a concept Allen had never heard of) reared its ugly head in the form of a venom spitting cobra. 
Cobras are actually quite beautiful if you ignore their tendency to spit venom in your eyes with great accuracy even from a great distance.

His drinking partner froze with fear but Allen, startled out of his wits, sprayed his mouth full of whiskey right into the cobra’s face. (Don’t try this at home kids)

You have never seen a more affronted looking cobra in your life.

As the cobra slithered off to wherever snakes go, Allen became aware of the owner of the truck coming Right down the alley. Exit stage Left.

To be continued…

 

Tea Pee Spiral Note Book by shiomi
Design a journal cover online at Zazzle

Wine and Kale

I told my sister that I was on a health kick and that I had been checking out the Internet for health related ideas. (see my Coconut Oil Experiment)
She told me she had also been surfing the net and had an idea for a smoothie that contained kale, blueberries and acai berries. 

I was surprised as she has traditionally been a potato chip and chocolate aficionado.

I said it sounded horrible but she proceeded to throw the ingredients into a blender. She blended it for about one minute and I said, “that looks like a hideous heterogeneous sludge of green and blue crap”. 

She said I should try it.
So I did.
She said, “What do you think”?
I said, “I think it tastes like it looks”.
I asked if she was sure it's all kale, blueberry and acai and she said, "No, the secret ingredient is red wine for the reversitol",  "it's good for your heart".
I said "what's kale good for". 
She said, “I don't know, I just read it on the internet”.

I said OK, what are the blueberries good for? She said they have antioxidants.

I said, “I have tried antipasto and it was OK, so what's wrong with this stuff”? 

She seemed to think that it was doing me some good.
It was doing something.

Unbeknownst to her I'd already started on a regime based on three glasses of champagne per day to ward off dementia, and being as how I am I'm a real go-getter, I had started my morning with the three glasses.
Not being much of a drinker, my bar accouterments ran to a shot glass and a number of beer mugs.

Three mugs of champagne added to the copious amount of red wine she put into this hideous tasting smoothie and I was starting to feel a bit woozy. 

My stomach was feeling even woozier than my head.

Taking the Internet's advice to never leave a drink unfinished (kind of like Mom saying, "Eat every carrot and pea on your plate" (this oft misunderstood admonition made for some awkward dinners with guests)), I downed the last of the blender’s contents and decided then and there that despite all the health advice you can get from the Internet, sisters can't be trusted.

Nippy Holidays Greeting Card by Octor_Arts
See more Happy Cards

Closer to Home

In my previous post, Pluto vs. Science,  I ranted a little about groups redefining things for us whether we knew we needed them redefined or not.

I kept it short because Pluto has had some more recent Press and new selfies, I mean photos.

I did keep reading stuff about the definition of planets. 

Phil Metzger, a planetary physicist retired from NASA, said the problem was today's definition of "planet" doesn't work when comparing this solar system to ones light-years away. 

Why? Has he been getting input from the locals?
They are light-years away. Light-years. Google it.
To give you some perspective, if you headed there on a road trip, beginning at the dawn of humanity, we wouldn’t be anywhere close to being finished saying “Are we there yet?”

I am all for broadening my horizons but the news that winds on a planet three light-years away are 20x stronger than the strongest winds here, will probably never be germane to me.
Not even on trivia night.

I guess I would like to see more focus on solving problems a bit closer to home. Maybe tackle world hunger or cure diseases or battle global warming.

Why global warming? Coconut crabs.

Coconut crabs are the world’s largest land-living arthropod weighing up to 9 pounds and stretching to over 3 feet. 

They are hideous looking so I will not include a picture or video but I’ve put in some links.

Following the migration pattern of the coconut palm, the beast is found through-out the lands around the Indian and Pacific Oceans. Nice warm places. Far away places.

So what’s the problem?

Well if the video did not alarm you, how about the fact that there is irrefutable evidence of global warming, coconut palms are growing in places they never grew before and these buggers climb coconut trees and drop coconuts.

And we all know coconuts kill more people each year than sharks.

Imagine a swarm of 3 foot wide 9 pound exoskeleton monsters making their way across your lawn. Sure you could set your riding mower to mulch and wade in, but I prefer to be a little more proactive.

You can find me out in my yard with a book on how to spot coconut trees, and a chainsaw.

Bluejay Spiral Note Book by ladybuglane
See more Bluejay Notebooks at zazzle.com

Pluto v.s. Science

I love learning things.

Things about medicine, time, space and well, just about anything.

I don’t always agree with the things I learn such as Pluto being demoted to a dwarf planet by a bunch of astronomers. Must have been a slow day in astronomy. 
I know I am late to the party. Not thinking about it, just writing about it.

One of Pluto’s main detractors, Neil (I won’t name him here because he has already got a lot of press over his nay-saying (I am now following you on twitter so I will know when you recant)), uses science-y jargon and reason to support his views.

This is where it all goes wrong. 

Things are defined by people, usually groups of like-minded people who have been accredited by other people who are quite a bit like them.
Hmm…this is starting to sound like a conspiracy. Or a lobby group.

Should we take the word of a small group of scientists that may have a hidden agenda (i.e. first we demote Pluto and then remove it from orbit because it blocks the view) or were we happy in our knowledge of Pluto’s planet-hood as defined by scholastic rhymes similar to:
Man – Mercury
Very – Venus
Early – Earth
Made – Mars
Jars –Jupiter
Stand – Saturn
Up –Uranus
Nearly – Neptune
Perpendicular –PLUTO

Sure school didn’t actually prepare us for life but it did teach us critical thinking or was critical of our thinking, I’m not sure which, but it did give us a base to build on.
Demoting planets is just kicking out our foundation blocks.

What’s next? Some group decides we don’t need “Z”. Could solve the Zee or Zed issue ‘tho we could never talk about “the letter that shall not be named”.
What if mathematicians collude and decide "4" was a mistake and we are to stop using it. They could mail out an apology and new directives on circumventing problems caused by the former 4. Unfortunately, the letter would never reach my address. Couldn’t even text me for that matter.

We need to take a stand against all of this flip flopping.

Coffee is good for you
Eggs are not tiny assassins in your fridge
Cholesterol is necessary
Bacon… mmm bacon
and Pluto is a planet. Period.

King of Fools Sketch Book Spiral Notebooks by Octor_Arts
Make customizable journal designs online at Zazzle

Technology Replaces People

I am writing this post because my sister is going to start a blog and I don’t want her to catch up with me. Don’t worry ‘tho, I will try to make it a good one.

My sister says that maybe I should take the advice of auto correct more often. 
I have seen what happens when she does and I must disagree. 
We have all seen posts, on Facebook, of humourous text conversations that were hijacked by auto-correct. 
Even funnier, someone altering the words in your phones dictionary to insert certain words when you are trying to type other words.

Good thing people don’t text to arrange important things like a job interview or to seek help in an emergency.

My phone does seem near sentient and almost psychic.  
It often knows where I am and where I've been.
It tells me “If you liked this site perhaps you would also enjoy…”. 
I don’t look at the suggested page as “My phone is not the boss of me”. 

I do quite often click Like on things I have absolutely no interest in. 
So much for your demographics.  

I think it is more fun to grab your family and friends phones and visit sites that they would never ever go to. I won’t make any suggestions here. I’m sure you can come up with something that will embarrass your friends.

Someone may be doing this to me as I keep getting app suggestions for games. 
It can’t be my phone’s idea because it knows I haven’t played a computer game since I beat Microsoft’s Solitaire in 1998. 
Solitaire asked if I wanted to play again but “Quit while you’re ahead” is what I always say.

The other thing that made me think about technology replacing people is my old phone turning out not to be water proof. 
I get some of my best blog ideas in the shower. 
Those of you who noticed I did not post anything in 2014 can rest assured that the cause was lack of writing not lack of showering. 

Unfortunately thinking in the shower does not necessarily translate to remembering, what it was that you thought about, once you are back at your computer. Ask anyone who has lost their train of thought while walking from one room to the next. 
Hence my search for a waterproof phone to take notes on. Probably cheaper than hiring someone to take dictation.

Anyway, I have decided to give in and take one suggestion from my phone by signing my name

David the Greatest

Has a nice ring to it :)

 

Nippy Holidays Greeting Card by Octor_Arts
Browse more Happy Cards

Cute Golden Retriever pup Note Book by ladybuglane
Look at other Dog Notebooks at zazzle.com

Coconut Oil - The Experiment

Disclaimer - I am not a medical person, botanist or marine biologist.

I am usually skeptical about product health claims whether they be from family, friends, doctors or nurses, so I did what any right thinking person would do... check the Internet.
That was a mistake.

Coconuts kill people

Many links on Google lead to pages suggesting that "Coconuts kill more people than sharks" or the ominous "You are 10 times more likely to be killed by a falling coconut than a shark".
You may think that sharks don't fall but you are wrong as proved in Sharknado 1 through 3 and possibly 4.
Now, not only am I afraid to go back in the water, the beach doesn't hold much allure for me either.
I don't think I will pursue this line of inquiry right now.
Sharks v.s. Coconuts. Cold-blooded eating machine thinking where it's next meal is coming from v.s. warm-milked coconut hanging out in a tree thinking, well whatever coconuts think about. (tried to find a picture of the illusive coconut shark but it is illusive so no picture...sorry)

On to the supposed health benefits. 

Weight loss... Whoa! I didn't see that coming. 
Actually I would be surprised if there weren't claims of weight loss. Despite having more calories than butter, coconut oil contains Medium Chain Triglycerides (MCTs) that can support up to a 5% greater expenditure in energy and can suppress your appetite. Bonus.

Beneficial to blood cholesterol levels. Contains Lauric Acid which may increase your HDL (good cholesterol).

Fights bacteria, viruses and fungi. Is used in cosmetics and soap but that just makes it taste funny. The one downside of this is that the human body is comprised of a lot of viruses and bacteria with a little DNA thrown in.

This stuff is supposed to ameliorate or even cure, it is hinted, the effects of Alzheimer's or dementia, prevent seizures, heals psoriasis and eczema while softening your skin and can be beneficial as a hair conditioner.
I just can't imagine putting a chunk of the stuff on my remaining follicles. Below 24 degrees Celsius coconut oil has the consistency of the old-time paste wax I used to put on my car. As I turn the heat down at night to a coolish 18 degrees it could make for a rough start to the day.
Anyway I do not need a smoother shinier head.

Does it work?

It has improved my memory.
The very first time I replaced the butter on my toast with coconut oil I remembered how much I really like butter on my toast.
It made me remember that every time I picked a coconut chocolate out of a box of assorted chocolates, it felt like a punishment.
It brought to mind the time my Mom returned from Curacao with a bottle of Coconut Rum and I thought "What a horrible thing to do to a perfectly good bottle of rum". Almost couldn't finish it.

Since I don't have psoriasis or eczema and my skin is already soft, the experiment will be to determine if coconut oil does assist with weight loss or memory.
If I do lose any significant amount of weight by consuming extra calories in the form of coconut oil, I will create a new post and link back to this post.
In the absence of any alarming news from my doctor that relates to the increase in intake of coconut fat I will also create a new post.
If I do not post any positive results regarding improved memory or I forget to ever post again, I guess that puts paid to that.

Expected duration of experiment 

I still have half a jar of the stuff.

 

coffee, Z, Z, Z Two-Tone Coffee Mug by shiomi
Browse Tired Mugs

Blog Comes as the End - The final #MAD405 entry.

Dear Potential Employer:

In response to your job posting I would like to submit my qualifications as a graduate from Canada’s best Mobile Application Development post graduate program, backed by a Network Engineering Technologist diploma and a three year Computer Programmer Analyst diploma.

Your company will benefit, not only from my nine years of experience as an Information Systems Manager for a government agency, but from the support of my personal learning network including my Mobile Application Development mentors and peers …

Not exactly upbeat like my previous blog entries but employers take hiring new employees very seriously.

And rightly so. Hiring the wrong employee can cost a company a lot of money, time, training and their reputation as employees are the face of the company.

Even hiring the right employee can be expensive. It is said that a new employee is grossly overpaid in their first year and grossly underpaid every year thereafter. Perhaps this is the reason the average length of employment, for new hires, is three years.

And, it is a difficult job, choosing a new hire. After discarding the inattentive and the “Englishly Challenged”, it is likely a panel comprised of an HR person, who can’t possibly know the intricacies of all positions in the company, a manager who has an ideal candidate in mind and a technical person who is, well, technical and is hoping that one of the bright new prospects will be a bright new employee, will be tasked with sorting the wheat from the chaff. It is not likely that any of these people is a professional interviewer. The best they can do is work with what we give them, resumes, cover letters, references, looking into our social media and a background check. Maybe a hunch as well.

The best we can do is prepare, research, and supply them with excellent resumes, cover letters and references. And maybe clean up our social media.

And even if this interview is the brick wall, the next one may be the door.

The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.

Keep in touch.

Delivered from Temptation T Shirts by damccaskill
Look at other Merchbooth T-Shirts at zazzle.com