The Hi John Letter

I received a “Hi John” email.

Not as devastating as a “Dear John” letter but a bit bewildering as my name is not John and I don’t use a John de Plume when I write.

The email was in response to a query about them recently starting to send me blank emails. They are a company that emails job listings that match my abilities, education and interests.

Some of you may remember that I went down to Manpower (before we had to be politically correct) and took a government test to determine what field of endeavour I was suited for.

I managed to fall outside any of their categories.

Some of you may think this is the reason for the blank emails, but no. For years the daily emails have contained several jobs that if so inclined I could turn my hand to.

And then, blank pages. It was as if they were wrestling with the monster known as writer’s block.

I wrote them and said not to worry as I had a job, but, it did not put them in a good light since employers listed with them in hopes that their next bright star would peruse the listing and apply post haste.

I guess I am not the only one receiving nothing on a daily basis because they wrote back saying they are aware of the problem and are looking into it. And as if to drive the point home that things are not well with the company, they started the email with “Hi John”.

I predict a job opening in Quality Control. Not that I’ll see it listed.

Update

They got back to me, addressed me by my correct name and the next day, as promised, the job listings they sent me showed up in the email. Bonus: The empty advertising block was at the bottom where it will not bother most people unless they wonder why they are not the target market and what they are not the target market of. Probably something really good I bet.

The End Is Nigh

Dress your loved one in the best End of the World fashion 

Apocalypse Livestock Tee
by damccaskill

Have your own herd. Dress the whole family for the grand finale

Apocalypse Livestock T-Shirt
by damccaskill

Carry On My Wayward One (sung to the tune of the Kansas song)

Or We’ll get back to you 3

My Adsense account was cancelled because of “no spend”. And here I was under the impression that it was supposed to be bringing in money, not require me to spend money. I guess Google is taking a page from the other arm of their Empire, YouTube, and the demonetization of the Youtubers who built them but didn’t quite cut the mustard as far as number of subscribers. So long and thanks for all the views, no money for you

This is not a story about that

This is my ongoing trials and tribulations with Freedom Mobile cell phone so-called-service.

I asked about some of the solutions I had put forward, them setting up calling over wifi on my model of phone (which would have helped countless others), exchanging my phone for a phone that they support wifi calling on, loaning me a Weboost or other signal booster (like American ISP’s do), them using the 700Mhz range in my area to penetrate my apartment as I apparently live in a 

Faraday cage. Offering me a better plan. They didn’t. 

You might say “Buyer beware” or “Carpe Jugulum” or some Latin sounding thing for “it’s your own damned fault for getting stuck with a service that sucks”, but I had done the research. Their coverage map with orange indicating “LTE high speed like you wouldn’t believe *may not work until a few months down the road **and then some”, covered my area like there was a two for one paint sale at Home Depot.  

I paid off my “Tab” in preparation to move to a provider that could get me a strong enough signal in my own home so I could actually call and receive calls. It was a small amount.

All of a sudden they were offering me a better plan. X number of dollars and NO OVERAGES. I can call long distance in Canada and the States and it won’t cost more. I can text all over the place and my bill doesn’t go up. Home network, Away network, doesn’t matter. Same price. 

The sneaky thing is their tech support told me to change my phones settings to only use the Home network.

  No chance of ending up on the Away or Roaming networks.

Is the service any better? I have tried recently to dial out when I was in a mall parking lot out in the open and the phone showing Home and full bars. It did not connect.  I tried from my work in the city. Would not connect. Tonight in my apartment it says Home and one bar. It connected. Nice surprise but reliability over astonishment is preferred.

And the bill since getting the better plan?

Not what they promised but I expected there would be a discrepancy during the switch from the old plan. Still, the cheapest bill in months. We’ll see what next month brings.

Here is something we sell on Zazzle. We also sell it on Amazon but it is harder to find there. 

I Tried to be Good but There Was Bonfire & Beer T T-Shirt
by ladybuglane

We’ll Get Back to You 2

Or be careful what you wish for

When we last left our hero he was embroiled in a battle to unlock his phone and get decent cell service from his provider Freedom Mobile.

Much later than the promised (but not expected) 10 days later, someone did get back to me and the gist of the communication was that I needed to go to one of their stores and their tech support could help with the unlocking. 

   I went
             They couldn’t

In fact they said I had to go to their store in another city. Only 20 or 30 minutes away but another city all the same. 

        I went

The tech guy said he couldn’t do it due to confidentiality and security reasons but he could tell me how to get the information I needed and then I could unlock the phone myself.

At this point I forget all the convoluted steps he said I had to do to open the secret specific hidden screen on my phone. It may have involved a bag full of chicken feathers and standing on one leg. 

I have the bag of feathers but my balance is not so good so I just Googled YouTube for instructions on how to get to the secret specific hidden screen. Two minutes later I was the proud owner of my own unlocked phone. The service was still lousy but it was unlocked and lousy.

Back to the coverage issue

Tenacious as I was in unlocking the phone, I decided to let things slide for a while. Then I heard that there was a 700MHz band that some cell providers have. 

This band, for some reason, can penetrate trees, walls and neighbours more easily than whatever Freedom is using so I inquired of their helpdesk if and when they would be using that band. Their answer was a less than satisfying,           “We don’t know”

I was seriously thinking that I would start looking at which of the mobile providers was the lesser of several evils when my phone rang. At my home

I checked the cell towers with an app called OpenSignal. There was a new tower near my home. 

Not only could I now hear from recruiters but I could order pizza without walking to the field across the street.

             The end of my cell phone woes?

Remember the beginning of this post when I said be careful what you wish for?

I am receiving calls. According to one caller, if I don’t contact a certain number within a short time, Revenue Canada will issue a warrant for my arrest. I talked to the real Revenue Canada. They said they couldn’t be bothered. Not sure if I am relieved or insulted.

The other call I get might be in Mandarin. I recorded the lady who calls and talks to me in Chinese, ran it through Google Translate and I may be in trouble with the Chinese Embassy. Or there is a two for one on General Tao Chicken. I’m hoping for the latter.

After all that a drink might be in order. I'm more of a Bacardi guy but...

This Might Be Wine

This might be wine Two-Tone coffee mug
by ladybuglane

We’ll Get Back to You

a little more wordy than my last post

I have opined about cell phone companies and the service I received in the past. It is hard not to.

After my experiences with Robbers and Hell, Telus and Virgin (I know, I am slacking and have not come up with any pet name for the last two), I decided to try one of the underdogs, Freedom Mobile.

The service is bad

Sometimes it is good, but it is very dependent on your location.

Driving around in BC from POCO to Vancouver there are a lot of places that have blazing LTE speed. Sometimes it is only 4G or even 3G but still I can connect.

The problems start at home. In spite of being in the orange section on the Freedom Mobile coverage map, I experience many states of connectivity all while sitting still with my phone, sitting untouched, on the table beside me.

One minute LTE.

Then next Roaming or 4G or 3G.

Then the inexplicable Home AND Away.

And my favourite, EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY.

WTF?

I have not moved. The phone has not moved and the house is more or less stationary. Ok, it is really stationary.

They said service would be better once they finished the network expansion in my area this Fall.

They were wrong

“Is this a problem Dave”?

I suppose not really if you don’t mind putting on shoes and a coat, walking down the road and across the street and standing in the field to check voicemail and return calls. It was chilly talking to loved ones back home over the holiday season.

I used to be miffed at the $40 or $50 dollars a month it to cost to have a hard wired phone in one room of my house but the damned phone rang every time. There was no call display. You picked up the phone and dealt with the consequences. But you could call out and most of the time someone would answer.

In the early days there were no cordless phones and if you had to poop while on the phone, you needed a really long cord. But, you rarely heard “Please leave a message…”, or “Your call can not be completed”.

In these days of instant communication (unless you are with Freedom Mobile), you expect something positive and quick.

I contacted Freedom and mentioned that I live in a dead zone (as far as their cell service is concerned) and that cell providers in the states sometimes offered the loan of a cell booster so their customers could actually make and receive calls in their own home. Kinda handy if you are looking for work or in case of emergency. 

Their response, when it finally came was “No, we don’t do that”. “Buy your own”. I checked on the cost of a cell booster and the price made Robbers and Hell look attractive. Since Freedom’s service is so spotty, you’d think they would be able to get a bulk discount on cell boosters.

Not helpful

The focus of this post is actually the speed of communication with Freedom.

You can respond to them on Messenger and feel less than satisfied very quickly. For example, they finally sent me a message on Messenger, days after I sent an inquiry through their website.

They magnanimously offer phone unlocking for free (ever since it became a legal requirement) but it did not work. The instructions on their website were to phone #06# and you would receive a code to unlock your phone or maybe instructions or something. I tried it many times and it said communication problems or invalid code. Par for the course with Freedom so I looked at their other method. Get a code from the battery in the phone. 

I Googled a YouTube video on how to open the Samsung S7. 12 minutes long. Apply heat (what could go wrong?) with a hot plate (are you kidding?) or hair dryer and pry the glass case off without breaking it. Remove forty twelve screws and some plastic bits and read the required number.

Being the intelligent lad I am, I looked on the original Samsung box the phone came in and the number was on the label.

In spite of the number being labeled as the correct number, when Freedom finally answered my query days later, they said that they did not have the number for the brand new phone they sold me in their database.

Did they sell me some black market unregistered knock-off phone?

They said they passed my complaint on to their Back End. I can expect to hear from them in 10 days.

To be continued…but don’t hold your breath. 

I Don’t Like Sports

I Don’t Dislike Them

When I was younger and the NHL had fewer teams than a carton had eggs, we would gather with friends from down the lane and watch Hockey Night In Canada. I even played some sports.

It was fun.

Years on, when people gather for the Big Game, I don’t.

Whether it is the Grey Cup, the Super Bowl, the Gravy Boat or any other serving piece, I am not watching.

Sure I’ll gaze at the screens in Burger World as I anticipate my food. Usually sports is playing, but I watch the commercials with the same level of interest.

Here is Where I Make the Leap

I don’t want to make you any more paranoid than you already are but you are being watched.

Every time you buy something with a retailer’s “Loyalty” card, that information is recorded.

Sometimes this is good. The retailers know what to stock and when to stock it.

Sometimes it is just weird.

You start noticing that ads for (insert product here) that you bought in a real store start showing up on your Facebook feed and your Google-ing.

Seems a little creepy

I am not upset that “They” have the ability to connect the purchases I make in a bricks and mortar store to my online presence.

What bothers me is...

They Don’t Use the Info

My cable provider lists around 500 channels and tells me that I am getting a deal by them bundling a bunch of stuff I never watch.

I watch 13 channels and some of those rarely.
So their offering does not reflect my wants as a consumer. 

You know, one of the people who keep them in business. 

They even had a robo-telemarketer call me and it spoke French. I didn’t mind the language but as they had asked me to choose my preferred language in the profile they keep on customers, you’d think they’d use the information.
(Now I am paranoid. Yesterday I emailed the cable company about the mandatory March 1^st 2016 (tomorrow) basic cable offering, and now none of my channels are working, just a “ONE MOMENT PLEASE This channel should be available shortly”. Still no reply to the email).

The other place the data is not being used is on my news feed in Facebook. It is not Facebook’s fault that Yahoo fills my page with sports stories but Yahoo should certainly take an interest in what their viewers want although the way Yahoo is going, it may not matter.

In Closing:

If you collect the data, use it. 

If you want to remain relevant, collect the data.

Amazon – I am no longer looking for that laptop battery.

Cable company – I do not watch sports, 99% of reality TV, any programming that is not English (except some Kung Fu movies) nor do I care about HD or 4K or 3D TV.

Yahoo – No sports please and good luck.

You can buy a sun flowery mug for your Maxwell House or Tetley tea here...

Sunflowers Two-Tone Coffee Mug by ladybuglane
Browse Sunflower Mugs

Haunted

I like quiet.

You might not think so because I usually have the TV on as background sound. 

Mostly the Weather Network playing quietly.

I do like loud music. Any kind of music as long as it is Rock. 

To quote someone’s photoshopped poster of the Dos Equis guy,

“I don’t always listen to Lynyard Skynyard, but when I do, so do my neighbors”.

But I do really like quiet.

Recently I was sitting listening to the wood crackling in the wood stove, the cat snoring, the wind blowing in off the frozen lake.
It was -41C or -41.8F with a wind chill of -51C  or -59.8F.

The sun was streaming in through the windows.
Unlike Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven", it was not a midnight dreary, so I was surprised that the haunting started.

Dong dong dong dong.

It was like an old time sailing ship’s bell sounding out on the water.

It stopped.

It started again a few minutes later, and stopped.

This happened on and off for a while and I started to wonder if it was some emergency warning system on the TV.

I turned off the TV. *

Dong dong dong dong.

My cell phone beeps and bops at me regularly so I turned it off.

Dong dong dong dong.

I unplugged the DVD, cable box and microwave oven.

Dong dong dong dong.

I started for the router and modem when it happened again.

Dong dong dong dong.

The ghostly bell was tolling behind me. In my bedroom!

My mind felt some measure of relief as I remembered that I kept old cell phones in a drawer, as you do. It was probably an old reminder chiming on one of them.

I looked. All of them had absolutely no battery life.

Dread crept back into my mind as I imagined unnamed spirits returning to this plane. What could they want with me?

Dong dong dong dong.

I jumped and turned all in one motion ready to vamoose.

Then I saw it.

My old Blackberry tablet that I use as an MP3 player.
Apparently it has a low battery alarm. Dong dong dong dong.

Your old technology will return to haunt you when you least expect it.**

At least it won't molt.

*   my wife once turned off our old TV. It never turned on again. I don’t like to take the chance.

** not that you would expect to be haunted, would you?

You might want to buy US postage so in keeping with the bird theme...

 

Moderation Postage by damccaskill
Design your own personal photo stamps from Zazzle.

On-line Shopping is the Future

I am not a shopper

I don’t like shopping.

If I am window shopping it is because I need a new window.

I once needed, (Yes! Needed!), a new TV so I made a list of all the electronic retailers in the area as well as a list of all the features I wanted in a TV.

I walked into the first store on the list and said, “I will take that one and give me a VCR too”. It was a while ago.

Really not a shopper

This year my youngest daughter sent me a gift list linked to an on-line retailer called Amazon.ca

I thought, “this will be easy”. No trudging through the malls. No putting up with sales people offering free samples from kiosks. (My skin is already soft and pimple free)

I clicked on the link she sent and nothing happened. Really nothing. My mouse froze, arrow keys did nothing and even Ctrl-Alt-Del did not work.

Taking this as a sign not to shop on-line today, I powered off the machine and re-started. Windows 10 did some updates. 

I went to the mall for a coffee at Timmies.

The next day I decided to load a few bucks into my PayPal account to purchase stuff on-line.
I also thought I had better address some Christmas cards to mail that afternoon.

I had just sat down with my cards and a pen and address list when my youngest son texted me to say he was in hospital after falling off his bike.

I took this as a sign to not shop on-line today.

I drove into town and had a small black coffee and a cheese croissant at Timmies while filling out some of the cards and waiting for my son to get his arm put into a cast. (He blames the complete lack of snow for his accident as he would not be riding in the snow. One more strike against global warming).

While at the Post Office outlet mailing the cards, I picked up yet another parcel my daughter had Amazon ship to me. Seems to be working Ok for her.

The next day I tried to log in to Amazon.ca and they had to reset my password because who remembers that stuff from 3 years ago?

Clicking on the links in my daughter's list opened different windows, only one of which I was logged in to.

Being a savvy (but reluctant) shopper I wanted the items in the same shopping cart so as to get the free shipping.

Thinking I could just search for the item in the window I was logged in to was wrong. 

The search brought me to the same item (for a much cheaper price) on the Amazon.com site saying “Ships from the US”. Having experienced Customs Canada’s heavy handed charges I realized it would still be cheaper to pay more in Canada and have it shipped from Canada.

I finally got the items, from the Canadian site, in the same shopping cart, with a small shipping charge (which was much cheaper than Customs charges), over to the check-out area and found that Amazon does not accept PayPal. 

And the credit card information Amazon had on me had expired after 3 years. 

Who’d-a-thunk?

I took this as another sign.

I may or may not have completed the order but I am sure there will be something under the tree this year.

It just might be Tim’s cards.

I’m off to the mall but if you want to try out this on-line shopping foolishness...

coffee, Z, Z, Z Two-Tone Coffee Mug by shiomi
Design a unique personalized coffee cup from zazzle.com.

Commercial TV

Who knew Commercial TV was good for your health?

I now regret all those years cursing the incessant interruption of our spellbinding programs by stupid commercials when in fact those same interruptions may have been more beneficial to our health than all the medical remedies and exercise devices they may have advertised.

Research has shown that you should not sit for a prolonged period of time. The researchers suggest that even if you stand for two minutes out of every 40 or 50 minutes, good stuff will happen to your body as opposed to the bad stuff (I would link to the story about the study but forget where it is so I substituted my own medical jargon) that happens when you don’t avail yourself of the commercial break to go for a pee which is the result of the last commercial break when you got a drink.

Little did we know commercials were actually improving the quality of our lives

It didn’t even matter which commercial was on. Watch them once and the next 10 times they played during Hockey Night in Canada, don’t watch them. Or, miss them the first time but don’t worry, they will play again. And again and again.

Even the incredible volume accompanying commercials, was beneficial. Sure, if you actually sat through an ad, the abrasive sound you didn’t think your TV capable of, would assault your ears like salt in a paper cut, making you vow to never purchase from that advertiser again.

That sound was of value

As long as it blared, you could be in the bathroom. 

You could make drinks in the kitchen. 

Open a bag of chips and pour out bowls for yourself and your guests. No hurry. You weren’t missing a thing.
And it was healthy, except for the chips part. Chips make you fat und pimply.

And you had until the ominous cessation of commercial cacophony to get back to broadcast bliss.

Streaming services

You may be tempted to “cut the cord”. Loose yourself, or at least your wallet, from the thrall of your cable or satellite provider. 

Streaming services such as Netflix, Crave and Shomi, promise hours of commercial free programming for a reasonable price. Per month. Forever.

But who doesn’t remember sitting through a movie on their VCR, ready to burst, not hitting pause because they didn’t want to interrupt the flow of the program and not wanting to bother the others viewing the show. 

Imagine hours on end of streaming TV where the only break is when Netflix says “The next episode starts in 14 seconds”. Or when the season ends.
It takes more than 14 seconds to choose the flavour of chips you want.

Don’t cut the cord

Yes it is expensive, and yes a more advanced civilization would probably use much of our television content to punish those who commit crimes, but, for the good of your health, keep the commercial in commercial TV.

and now for a word from our sponsor...

 

Tea Pee Spiral Note Book by shiomi
Create a personalised notebooks at Zazzle

Coloring Books or Colouring Books

Allen discovers the Internet. Well, he discovered that there is an Internet and realized the incredible potential for making money. And for humanitarian stuff too.

He is a little fuzzy on the year but a home computer at the time cost about $2,000. Not the low cost re- entry to the business world he was looking for and unfortunately the citizens of the port city his freighter docked at had the unfriendly habit of locking their doors. “Where is the trust?” he asked the fellow seated at the bar next to him. 

Fortunately the fellow was conversant with literature and pointed Allen in the direction of the public library saying, “Them buggers got computers”.

Apparently libraries are closed at night (and they also lock their doors), so Allen returned bright and early at 11 a.m.

The encounter with the librarian started off well as she welcomed Allen and showed him to a computer instructing him to double-click on the dial-up icon and to type his search into the Netscape search box.
Had he but known the binging and bonging of the dial-up connection was a harbinger of his future in the Indian Subcontinent.

He thought it best to catch up on what people were selling on the Internet and had no trouble finding ads online. In fact he said to himself “This is worse than commercials on TV”.

Armed with this new information and the knowledge that the pub opened in one hour, Allen started to think “What can I resell that people really want and will pay too much for”?

Spurred on by opening time Allen was feeling stressed.

Fate intervenes

Not being used to mouse-ing and clicking, he accidently opened a link to an article on Carl Jung’s  thoughts on adults coloring, or colouring since he was in Brittan, as a de-stressing therapy.
Allen thought Carl was probably a pretty smart guy as he had once ducked into a lecture on Jung and reason suggested that you only get lectured about if you are really smart. Or really bad.

Allen had an epiphany. He thought that creative people like himself don’t like to be constrained (or stressed) by someone else’s design, also people like himself have a lot of trouble staying within the lines.

He would offer, for the quite reasonable price of $29.95, a book of blank paper and a #2 pencil (Sharpener sold separately. Just pay separate shipping and handling). He would point out that this combination could be used in at least two different ways.

1: Draw the design that YOU WANT and then fill in the spaces with crayons or colored pencils or pastels (sold separately)
or
2: Colour the shapes you want and then outline them in pencil giving the impression that you can stay within the lines.

Fate has a field day

In spite of the stress of knowing the pub was minutes from opening, Allen had the idea that he should offer pre-printed images to be colored by those without the imagination to come up with their own designs thus adding to the breadth of his offerings. 

Remembering his motto “Maybe a little marketresearch isn’t such a bad idea” 

Allen hopped back on Netscape and typed in a search for “Adult stuff” and within seconds found himself being frogmarched by the now not so friendly librarian out the door.

Allen was OK with this as the pub was calling.

Fate laughs again

It being early days of the Internet, people were, wisely, not used to handing over their credit card information on line and as Allen moved around so often he routinely missed orders that came through the post. 

He would have to await the mobile payment revolution. 

Allen had two final comments on this venture.
“Coloring books are stressful” and “Being ahead of the curve sucks”.

Tree of light stamp by shiomi
Check out Christmas Stamps online at zazzle

Allen 2.0 Too

Continued from Allen 2.0

When we last left our intrepid entrepreneur he had arrived in India from Nepal by way of China.

The Big City

Because he had no idea what the sign at the city limits said (ed. No Solicitors) he was not sure which city he was in but there were thousands and thousands of people and few snakes.

It didn’t take many sales calls for Allen to realize that while India did indeed have electricity and curry and Pepto Bismol, it didn’t have a lot of phone lines.

This was a setback for the sales of home facsimile machines.

Time and Technology marches on

Allen had seen a cell phone before his sojourn in the Himalayas, but as they were expensive and heavy enough to defend yourself against grizzly bear attack, he never thought they’d catch on.

Everyone had one

At least everyone in this city and certainly everyone in this bar.

They were all technology mad. 

They would discard their old cellphone for the latest model, or that was what he would tell the IPS (Indian Police Service) officer when questioned about his recent acquisition.

Exploring the device he found you could talk, text or txt, play pointless games and it seemed to have that damned Internet on it.

He also found that online payments had caught on big time. Specifically, mobile payments.

This development called for extensive research and an hour later Allen knew he was on to something big.

It seemed that many companies in India were considering a move away from the current mix of desktop online and mobile payments to mobile payments only.

Possibly a brilliant move

No longer do you have to stand in line for the cashier, to make an impulse purchase, you can be mediating an international dispute, going to couples therapy or contemplating in the throne room.

If you have a free thumb, you can purchase the object of your heart’s desire. O.A.C.

Sure those who are used to desktops and even (shudder) catalogs where you get a decent picture and legible text might be reticent, and so what if the largest group with the most disposable income (or at least savings) with potentially fading sight…

Allen had read enough. He would target service the mobile market.

He reasoned that younger people did not have the experience of their elders.

The lack of a product was not the problem. 

The problem was how to get the product in front of the largest number of marks customers at the cheapest cost.

This was also the question on the minds of a group that Fate was toying with.

The start-up woman’s clothing designers became convinced that Allen’s entrepreneurial prowess and Mobile Application Development skills could translate their Plus size clothing line to a plus size bank balance.

Later they were to agree that they should not hold their board meetings in a bar. At least not one that was home to Allen.

Not one to say no to an opportunity, or temptation for that matter, Allen had one job in front of him; Find out what Mobile Application Development was.
That and how to make a compelling presentation. Compelling enough to get a cheque.

They agreed to reconvene in the same location during a popular local time. Happy hour.

He then applied himself to understanding Mobile Application Development, or MAD for short, and 30 minutes later he was talking a local artist into drawing his ideas out on Bristol board for future consideration in his newly formed company.

Presentation day dawned and quite a bit later than dawn, the designers, Allen and his artist were situated around the boardroom table. The waitress took their orders and commerce was commenced.

With the artist holding up the presentation and Allen pointing out the main selling points with an umbrella from one of the drinks, things were going well until one of the up-starts from the start-up asked why he was not using PowerPoint.

Viewing questions as an opportunity, he took the opportunity to excuse himself and get another round. On the tab.

After several rounds of negotiations, Allen felt more sure of a sale ‘tho less sure of his ability to read the room, and he decided to offer the ladies some sage business advice.

He suggested that the group abandon their hopes for a mobile application in favour of a website aimed at desktop users ‘cause “Those little mobiles can’t accommodate your product even in landscape mode”.

From there, talks headed south and so did Allen, leaving the group with the bar tab and the artist.

Watch for further adventures of our budding billionaire as records are released.

All products trademark of their respective companies.

This might be wine Two-Tone coffee mug by ladybuglane
Check out Rose Mugs online at zazzle

Allen 2.0

Some of you may be wondering what direction Allen’s life took after the inaugural Tales of a Dissatisfied Squid Salesman 
and the popular (well it was popular in Asia) Humourous Lessons in Business, Tales of a Dissatisfied Squid Salesman II

The direction was east. It could have been west, the world being a sphere and all, but the first plane out of town was going east.

David’s now estranged twin brother Allen had financed his trip through the sale of David’s car and was looking forward to a bright new future (as well as backward at not a few creditors). 
Unaware that Allen still had a set of his car keys; David wandered the parking lot before realizing that he really missed Allen and wanted to see him again. Preferably in a dark alley.

After a series of plane and train rides on borrowed tickets and documents, Allen arrived in Kathmandu, Nepal.

His first thoughts were, “They’ll never find me here”.
His second thoughts were, “Where the heck is here”?
His third thoughts were, “Seems like a good place for some meditation. Some reflection, introspection and any other ‘ection’”.

Having heard the villagers speak of a remote monastery, Allen determined that he should take up meditation in a local bar. Allen recalls, “A lot of time passed, much of which was, quite frankly, a blur, before I was awakened to the desire to get back into the world of commerce”.

The thing that awoke him was the squawking of the bar’s fax machine.
After buying a few more drinks and listening to the bartender explain how the fax worked, Allen decided to re-launch his career by selling facsimile machines to the masses. After all, who wouldn’t want badly pixilated pictures and text sent right to their own home?

Unfortunately the masses did not live in Nepal. 
Fortunately China with its masses was right next door.

After a month or so, riding in carts pulled by various animals, he arrived at The Bamboo Curtain.

Unfortunately it was closed.

Undaunted, but quite miffed, Allen returned to Kathmandu where he lingered a few weeks or maybe months until he left his bar stool and set his sights on India, a land teeming with masses and hardly any bamboo.

After a month or so, riding in carts pulled by various animals, he arrived in India.
Allen had seen a map of the world but up until recently had no idea what the scale on a map represented.

After another month or so, riding in carts pulled by various animals, he arrived in an area large enough to be considered to be teeming.

The trip had been long and fraught with perils and snakes but the people of the area were a friendly lot and he was soon having a drink with someone who was willing to share his whiskey. Someone’s whiskey.

That someone had left a truck full of the stuff with the keys in the ignition and his new friend had decided to move the truck to a safer, not overlooked location. 

They were well into the bottle, all the time looking over their shoulders for any sign of the owner of the truck so they could flag him down.
They should have been looking in the vicinity of their ankles as suddenly karma (a concept Allen had never heard of) reared its ugly head in the form of a venom spitting cobra. 
Cobras are actually quite beautiful if you ignore their tendency to spit venom in your eyes with great accuracy even from a great distance.

His drinking partner froze with fear but Allen, startled out of his wits, sprayed his mouth full of whiskey right into the cobra’s face. (Don’t try this at home kids)

You have never seen a more affronted looking cobra in your life.

As the cobra slithered off to wherever snakes go, Allen became aware of the owner of the truck coming Right down the alley. Exit stage Left.

To be continued…

 

Tea Pee Spiral Note Book by shiomi
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Closer to Home

In my previous post, Pluto vs. Science,  I ranted a little about groups redefining things for us whether we knew we needed them redefined or not.

I kept it short because Pluto has had some more recent Press and new selfies, I mean photos.

I did keep reading stuff about the definition of planets. 

Phil Metzger, a planetary physicist retired from NASA, said the problem was today's definition of "planet" doesn't work when comparing this solar system to ones light-years away. 

Why? Has he been getting input from the locals?
They are light-years away. Light-years. Google it.
To give you some perspective, if you headed there on a road trip, beginning at the dawn of humanity, we wouldn’t be anywhere close to being finished saying “Are we there yet?”

I am all for broadening my horizons but the news that winds on a planet three light-years away are 20x stronger than the strongest winds here, will probably never be germane to me.
Not even on trivia night.

I guess I would like to see more focus on solving problems a bit closer to home. Maybe tackle world hunger or cure diseases or battle global warming.

Why global warming? Coconut crabs.

Coconut crabs are the world’s largest land-living arthropod weighing up to 9 pounds and stretching to over 3 feet. 

They are hideous looking so I will not include a picture or video but I’ve put in some links.

Following the migration pattern of the coconut palm, the beast is found through-out the lands around the Indian and Pacific Oceans. Nice warm places. Far away places.

So what’s the problem?

Well if the video did not alarm you, how about the fact that there is irrefutable evidence of global warming, coconut palms are growing in places they never grew before and these buggers climb coconut trees and drop coconuts.

And we all know coconuts kill more people each year than sharks.

Imagine a swarm of 3 foot wide 9 pound exoskeleton monsters making their way across your lawn. Sure you could set your riding mower to mulch and wade in, but I prefer to be a little more proactive.

You can find me out in my yard with a book on how to spot coconut trees, and a chainsaw.

Bluejay Spiral Note Book by ladybuglane
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